keep holding on
by ephermals
Summary: Crying is never the answer, nor is anorexia, but that's what Cho succumbs to after Cedric's death.


**written for:** the **issues/sensitive topic challenge (issue: anorexia nervosa)**, and the **flower language challenge (flower: iris) **in HPFC.

**disclaimer: **i don't own harry potter, or anything else you might recognize.

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**keep holding on**

**.**

_losing someone is the hardest thing to accept. remembering you is easy, i do it everyday. missing you is the heartache, that never goes away._**  
****—anonymous **

******.**

On the day of the final task in the Triwizard Tournament, Cho Chang is very conflicted. She is rooting for Cedric Diggory, of course, being his girlfriend, but she can't stand to see Harry Potter lose, y'know? She bites her nails nervously as the champions are ushered into the maze. As Fleur Delacour and Viktor Krum both become out of commission, Cho begins to shake more and more, her heartbeat rapidly increasing. The only ones left to fight it out were Cedric and Harry. Cho wishes that they could both win, but there can only be one winner.

Time seems to slow down as she repeatedly runs her fingers through her glossy black hair, wondering when this will end. The agonizing minutes are spent gritting her teeth and chewing on her hair (a habit of hers that she really needs to break) until finally, someone emerges from the maze. It's Harry, carrying Cedric in his arms. Upon closer inspection, Cho realizes that Cedric is d-e-a-d, dead.

Before she knows it, she's crying, and can't seem to stop. Her friends tell her to stop crying and smile, for God's sake, because 'image is everything,' but she doesn't listen. He's _dead, _and he's never coming back, ever. Things will never be the same around here, because a death is something big, and won't go by forgotten. Everyone is watching Cho, since she was his freaking girlfriend, after all. "Are you okay?" random strangers ask her —people she doesn't even know.

"I'll be fine," she says, managing a smile; no one seems to notice that the smile is forced. They all walk away, believing her, even her friends (who should really know better than that). Except Cho doesn't believe that she'll ever be fine. He's _dead, _and he took a little piece of her heart with him.

She cries herself to sleep that night.

_But of course, No one notices._

**.**

There are rumors she's been hearing, rumors that you-know-who's back, according to Harry Potter ******—**nevertheless, _The Daily Prophet _says he's a liar, but Cho believes Harry; she wouldn't have any reason not to. The summer flies by quickly, and before she knows it, school has started up again.

Everyone notices something different about her. Cho's changed. She's still the popular girl that she used to be, but she's not as talkative and outgoing as before. She keeps her feelings bottled up inside her, knowing that an explosion will happen soon enough, and she'll end up pouring her heart out to someone, anyone. Classes begin, and she always sits in the back of the classroom by choice, tapping her pencil on the wooden desk because there's just nothing else to do to pass the time. Her grades are slipping; the hours she usually dedicates to studying she now dedicates to crying, because crying is basically all she knows how to do nowadays.

Every day, it's wake up, _cry, _get dressed, _cry, _eat breakfast, _cry, _attend classes, _cry, _eat lunch, _cry, _attend more classes, _cry, _eat dinner, _cry, _do homework, _cry. _Sometimes, Cho doesn't even notice that she is crying, she has made a habit out of it. She's not the same girl anymore, and everyone seems to know it, including Cho. "Are you okay?" is all she hears these days. She always responds with the same answer —"I'll be fine." But deep down, she knows that she'll never be fine, really.

"Cho. Earth to Cho." Marietta Edgecombe waves a hand in Cho's face, a concerned expression on her pale face. Cho blinks, putting on a dazzling smile and fluffing her glossy black hair. _I'm fine, _she wants to say, but she's not fine, she just looks like she's fine. "Y'know," Marietta says as the two of them make their way towards the Ravenclaw common room, "you've become really distant lately. Really, Cho, is everything all right?"

"I'm fine," Cho snaps, "never better." She crosses her arms over her chest as Marietta answers the riddle required to enter the common room, being too lazy to do it herself. Truth be told, Cho never answers the riddles herself anymore; she always waits for a friend or just someone to do it for her.

"I'll be here if you need me, okay?" Marietta sighs, shaking her head. Cho nods, and runs all the way to the girls' dorm, where she immediately collapses on her bed and — you guessed it — cries about everything that was wrong with her life. Cedric was _dead, _Harry was _alive, _and Cho...well, Cho was torn. She saw the looks Harry's been giving her, but she could never date him, it would just be wrong. A part of her wants to run up to him and kiss him, yet another part wants to forget about him completely.

She stares at herself in the full-length mirror, hating every single thing that she sees. Her black hair was tangled and — Cho gasped — were those _split ends? _Her chocolate brown eyes were red from crying, and — sob — she had a pimple growing. Her lips were chapped, and no amount of chapstick or lip balm could fix them (not that she still used beauty/makeup products). And worst of all, she was _fat. _F-A-T, FAT.

Honestly, Cho doesn't even know how to smile anymore, or what happiness is.

_Smile, darling. Time heals all wounds. _

**.**

Suddenly, Cho stops eating altogether. Her friends attempt to make her eat, but it's futile, no amount of pleading or begging will make Cho shove some food in her mouth. What was the point in eating when her heart was broken into a million tiny little pieces?

Marietta and her other friends make Cho her absolute _favorite _food, a grilled cheese sandwich. It's the most perfect grilled cheese sandwich ever, grilled to perfection, but to Cho, it's a piece of garbage. Her friends look at her sadly, wondering what happened to the old Cho that they knew and loved. Soon enough, they leave to do homework, and she is all alone, until a prefect quickly ushers her out, not bothering to notice the tears streaming down her face.

The next day, Cho skips all her classes. She hides out in the girls' bathroom, her new favorite place in the entire school. In a way, she is turning into this generation's Moaning Myrtle, but she refuses to believe that. She spends half her time in the bathroom crying, and the other half staring off into space and thinking (and of course, some time actually using the bathroom).

She starts to feel dizzy, like her world's about to fall down, and Cho doesn't know if that's a side affect of the anorexia or reality. She misses him, and she will never stop missing him.

Professor Flitwick doesn't even bother to track her down. Cho scoffs ******—**and he was appointed the head of Ravenclaw house? Her friends don't try and find her either. Some friends they were. ******  
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_It's like no one even cares these days. _

**.**

There's a boy in front of her with glasses, messy black hair, green eyes, and a lightning scar. All Cho wants to do is run away, but it's like a mysterious force has glued her feet to one spot. The same force must've glued her lips together, because she finds herself unable to make a sound (or maybe it's just her and her nerves). "Cho," he says, like he really cares about her. "Listen to me, Cho. You have to eat."

She gulps, and her whole body's shaking. "I c-can't eat."

"You can't, or you don't want to?" he questions, and Cho realizes that it's true. She doesn't _want to _eat, but not eating is always better than eating too much. Besides, she was far too depressed to eat. She never answers his question, though. Harry chuckles. "I thought so. Look, you have to eat or else you'll die."

"Nobody will even care if I die. It'll be better for everyone." Cho begins to cry again, and Harry sighs.

"I'll care," he admits nervously, in an almost inaudible voice, like he's been keeping this secret for a while. "I'll care if you die." He leans in for a kiss, and Cho feels like her world is spinning again.

She stops him before he can kiss her. "Harry, I-I'm sorry. I can't lose someone I care about, not again." Cho runs off, and cries for the millionth time that month, wondering what has become of her life.

She really begins to admire Harry Potter, for being so brave in the face of danger. She really hates herself now, for spending her days crying. No, Cho could never _ever _be a Gryffindor.

So another little part of her heart breaks, and she cries, again. Her life was _really, really _messed up, and nothing ever seemed to go right for her.

**.**

Cho just has to remember to keep holding on ******—**it only gets better from here.

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**a/n: **i have to stop writing depressing stuff. seriously. i'm not in a very good mood because i can't find my harry potter books. we just moved, and most of our stuff is still in boxes. -.- anyway, before you go, leave a review. :)

xo rachel


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